sOckER PRAktIZe

Saúl (the hottest person on this god forsaken, ugly earth) has asked me in the past if I wanted to play soccer with him and the boys. I always respond by internally freaking out followed by me declining. Once I leave the situation and regain my sanity, I curse myself for dropping out of soccer at the age of nine. If only I had known that continuing to play would help me get laid in México.

Yesterday, however, instead of asking me to PLAY soccer, Saul asked if I wanted to WATCH him play soccer. I didn't know whether to laugh in his face or simply melt into the ground. Clearly he loves me and decided that if he can't play soccer with me, the next best thing is to let me watch him play.

I wanted to go more than life itself but of course I had to hold on to my self respect. I'm not some 16yo cheerleader (anymore) dating the captain of the football team. The image of me sitting on the bleachers wearing an over sized college sweatshirt, a banana clip, and leotards came into my head and stopped me from going.

Missing the opportunity to watch Saúl prance around in short shorts kicking balls into that net thingy will forever haunt my mind. I guess there are some things I won't sacrifice my pride for. YAY!

Again

A few weeks ago I dumped the closest thing I had to a Mexican boyfriend because he was acting like a 13yo instead of his 21yo self. Last night I received a text from him that read:

"Hi, how are you? I feel me bad, because, i don't see you, and because we haven't communication, are you mexico, tellme plis"

How could anyone with a heart ignore a text like that? I don't care that he is 14 or whatever... ¡LOVE CONQUERZ ALL!

I coincidentally ran into him at a restaurant the same night and we reconciled by holding hands all night. We are back to being "boyfriends" again!

The Price of Beauty.

Being beautiful isn't always sugar coated candy treats and pink lemonade. Sometimes, being graced with a defined jawline, naturally golden hair (with curls), a 30 size waist in Diesel jeans and unique eye coloring can still cause ugliness to enter your life. I know this because my good looks have recently invited such trouble.

Not too long ago, a new cafe opened up close to one of the places I teach. I'm forever going to Starbucks but only because I really don't have that many other alternatives. So I was glad to discover a new indie coffee place that was easy for me to get to. I went in and there was this very attractive guy working there. I started small talk, because I am a people person, and he instantly seemed way too interested. I was excited because I thought we were gonna be boyfriends. Then he introduced me to his OK looking wife. Quickly, I chalked him up as just another Mexican trying to practice his English and I was alright with that because he was a little to light skinned for my liking.

I went to the coffee shop a few more times and each encounter he seemed more into me. He invited me to a lunch, and I declined but he insisted so I finally broke down and accepted. I told him it would be difficult because I'm a vegetarian and he said it was no problem since his wife would make it. He said this in front of her and she replied with a "WHAT!". Awkward! Against my will and better judgement, I went to lunch the next day. Mashed potatoes, veggie salad, seasoned rice and quesadillas, the lunch was very good. The entire time Fernando (I swear that is his name) made insulting remarks to his OK looking wife by saying that his mom is a better cook. Meanwhile she just sent evil glares in my direction.

He tricked me into playing squash with him the following Sunday, once again, against my will. He sets me up and puts me in these situations I find difficult to escape. I told him to call me to confirm the day before and I thought if I just don´t answer his call, I wouldn't have to go. After the third time he called, he sent me a text:

"Hi, i call you 3 times but you don't answear, is only for confirm. Sqash tomorrow? You can go or not? ."

The little Christian inside me felt guilty and the gay boy inside me felt like a coward so I replied back and confirmed.

He wanted to meet at 7:40am on Sunday morning which is insane because it is my day off and I ended up staying out till 4am the previous night. With only 2 hours of sleep, I intentionally showed up to his cafe 20 minutes late and didn't apologize. I was hoping he would hate me and not want to be my friend anymore. Instead, he was waiting in his car and looking sad and it only made me feel more guilty.

We played squash for about 3 hours with his normal friends and I actually had a nice time. The only weird thing is that whenever we took breaks, Fernando would wander off to another court filled with shirtless men and gawk.

Things went back to being weird and awkward when the game was over as he drove me back home. The conversation went something like this:

F "Charlie, you are different."
C "Oh."
F "You are not like other people."
C "Is this good or bad."
F "Very good, I know a lot of Americans and you are not like them."
C "Ok, thanks.."

He invited me back to his cafe to make me breakfast but I told him I had promised my roommate that I would help clean the apartment. When we got to my street he asked when we were gonna see each other again. I told him I did´t know and ran away before he could open his mouth again.

If I had an average face, none of this would have happened. Momma was right, why wasn't I born rich instead of beautiful.

What's in a name?

¡CORRECTIONS!

I have made a horrible mistake and I am deeply embarrassed by it. In "One Taco at a Time..." I mentioned how I ran into Saúl's good friend, Fernando , at a gay bar. I continued the blog questioning his sexual orientation. The mistake was...is..his name is not Fernando. It's Luis and I have NO CLUE why I ever thought it was Fernando to begin with. We were never formally introduced and I guess I thought I heard other people call him by the name Fernando.

Fernando...oops! I mean Luis, pretty much ignored me the week after I spotted him at the Guadalajaran gay spot. Lucky for him, I was gay enough to approach him like a man. When I did, he basically dropped to his knees and opened his mouth. Figuratively that is. After a dozen text messages later, he asked me what his name was. What a stupid question I thought and answered him Fernando. No, he said, it was Luis! The first thing that came to my mind was, BUT NO, I ALREADY BLOGGED ABOUT YOU AS FERNANDO!

We made plans to return to Monica's to celebrate Mexican Independence Day. I know, I know. I really wanted to do something traditional and go to centro to watch the city's celebration. However, I thought Mexico's gayfathers would want me to spend Independence Day with the people who are still struggling for freedom. :-) God, I can be really gay sometimes.

He picked me up in his frog car and I met his boyfriend of three years. They are uber cute together, both live with Luis' mom and totally remind me of Keith and Alex of the "Keith and Alex" fame. The bar was packed as free shots of tequila were passed out the entire night. I have never seen so many inebraited gay mexicans in all my life. When we were leaving at 6 in the morn, the street had a thin layer of passed out fags mixed with puke. It was quite gross walking to the car, trying to avoid stepping on any heads. Free shots of tequila can be a bad thing.

Much to my happiness, Luis shares my obsession with Saúl, the world's hottest creation ever. We talked about his sexual orientation for most of the time and all the reasons why he has to be gay.

More importantly, Luis says the Saúl thinks I'm a gay. This is great news because he still flirts with me. Although, I was really embarrassed today. I was teaching the word "strong" and naturally described myself. Saúl grabbed my bony, flabby upper arm and laughed. It was hot because it was the most physical contact we ever had but horrifying since my once firm arm is anything but now.

Luis and his boyfriend and I are now secret bff's and it's really hot sneaking around the office having friendship conversations. Luis is out to everyone but his coworkers and it must remain this way. People will get suspicious if they see us hanging out together since there is no reason for us to have any contact.

We are going to see STARDUST this weekend and hopefully the magic of the movie stays ON THE SCREEN!

Tales from a Mexican Bus Passenger

Riding the bus in Mexico isn't the same as riding one in the US. First, the paradas, or bus stops, are a joke. You can wave a bus down pretty much any where you want to. Half the time when you are at an official parada, the bus may not even stop for whatever reason.

Another thing is that the buses here are definitely a safety hazard. Many times I have ridden on the bus with a window or two smashed, having shards of glass dangling from the frame. Equally as often, I had to jump off buses as they were moving. Apparently making a complete stop so passengers can get off takes up too much time!

The other day, while on the bus, I experienced something for the first time. Heading home, I noticed that another bus in the next lane was driving dangerously close to the bus I was on. So close that I could see the rat tails of the guys on the other bus. Eventually, both buses pulled over and before I knew it, my bus driver was wailing punches at the other driver. I could not believe it. I was really proud that it was my driver who was kicking the other driver's ass. American bus drivers just don't have that kind of pride.

There are, however, some perks to riding the bus. Some HOT HOT HOT perks. I hopped on the R3 after work, per usual, and handed my bus fare over to an anything but per usual Guadalajaran bus driver. He was young, hot and stylish...all qualities that I have never seen before on a driver. His beautiful face was partially covered with a trendy trimmed bread with all sorts of symbols and markings shaved into it. He wore tight levis that were held up by a thick Diesel belt. Soon after I got on, the bus broke down. ugh. He told the passengers to wait only a minute and that he would fix it soon. The engine of the bus was on the inside and in perfect view of where I was sitting. He squatted down on the floor and squirmed all around like a hot and sexy Mexican worm. At this point, the other passengers started to leave to catch another bus. I, on the other hand, was quite comfortable - if you know what I mean. And then, THEN in a fit of rage for not being able to start the engine, the driver RIPS his shirt completely off. I watched for another 15 minutes as he wiggled on the bus floor, half naked and covered in grease. All I could think was "GOD BLESS MÉXICO" and took pleasure in knowing that I was living out every latinophile's dream. If only he had turned around and spit in my face!

One Taco at a Time....

I hate myself for not updating this blog more often. God knows if I had, this entry would truly be the climax of my self discovery journey. I will just have to give a quick summary for now of what my life has been like and promise to update in the future.

I´ll begin with the road trip I took to Oaxaca . Martin and I rented a car and drove for 18 hours through the best and worst of Mexico. The trip was a great experience despite us having to talk our way out of a 753 peso bribe from a Mexico City cop for driving down a one way street the wrong way. Oh, and we crashed the car on the way to Puerto Escondido which cost us 6,000 pesos in damages. It was a nightmare to deal with but in the end it was a blessing. I disputed the charge and my credit card company ended up paying for the cost of the damage as well as the rental itself. Basically Martin and I got a free vacation! Being irate to credit card customer reps pays!

No blog entry of mine would be complete without a "boyfriend" story in it. Tony was my "boyfriend". We met at a bus stop and it was really romantic. It was late and I had a long day when I see this cute boy walk past me and we exchanged smiles. A few moments later he ran back to me and screamed "¿ERRES GAY? ¿ERRES GAY?" in front of an elderly,conservative looking crowd. Since I believe in honestly above all things, I said "Sí" and the rest was history. He looks twelve but has the most amazing hair ever and is in med school which means he will be really rich in about 7 years. With me not having a career track I thought he would be a good investment. He was super flaky from the beginning but I managed to overlooked it since he was a power bottom and a potential doctor. Eventually, however, his last minute cancellations got the best of me and I was forced to dump him. The following is a text message conversation we had after the "breakup".

Tony: "Hello baby, these angered whith me? Because you have not spoken to me? Already am in the school, tell me when we see ourselves"

Me: "Yes, I am angered because you always cancel plans last minute and we never see ourselves"
Tony: "Busy have I been. I love you"

Me: "You are never too busy to hang out with your friends"

Tony: "Just know one thing, I love you"

Me: "Ok, fine. Let's be boyfriends again"

Tony: "I see you are not convinced. Are these angered whith me?"

Me: "No, I love you too and want to be boyfriends again. Lets hang out on Saturday"

We never did hang out on Saturday.

As all of you should know, I have been supporting myself by teaching English and last week I got fired from my first job. While I was away on vacation I had another teacher sub my classes for me. All of my classes hated the sub except for one, my Shakira class. I call it my Shakira class because it consisted of three girls who all got their fashion inspirations from Shakira. Their eyeshadow always matched the blouse they were wearing, whether it be green, pink, or red and they would even wear glitter. On sunny days, it hurt my eyes to look at them directly. It was my second favorite class to teach because we would just eat sugar-loaded candy as we gossiped about their shitty boyfriends who didn't deserve to date them. When I returned from vacation, I received a call from my boss saying that I no longer had that class because they "didn't like" me but that it was OK because it happens all the time. I later heard from other sources that it was because I didn't speak Spanish or that I used the book too much. Both reasons are bullshit since not speaking Spanish was never an obstacle for them learning and we maybe used the text for 5 minutes and ate candy and talk trash on boys for the remainder of class. I was totally crushed since there were never any signs of them disliking me as a teacher and it definitely ruined a weekend for me. However, in the end I think it was for the best. I've been working a lot of hours and wanting to drop a class or two. I still work in the same building as the Shakiras and have rehearsed my dialogue if I were ever to run into them again. It would go something like this..."Hi Shakiras! I think it worked out for the best that you didn't like me because now I have a new class with smart students. Good luck with your English (insert giggle)".

My roommate who lives in San Francisco and only comes to Guadalajara once in awhile was down this past weekend. It was the first time that he has come to Mexico since I've been here. It was great because he showed me all the cool underground gay spots that I didn't even know about, including the boy whore street. He took me down Morales, a street I have been down many a times, around 3 in the morning and we drove past boy whore after boy whore. Most were ugly but there were definitely a few hotties. Of course, I had to talk to one. We pulled over to one of the better looking ones and had a mini Q & A session. He was 25 USD for however long we wanted him. Since there was two of us, he would give us a deal of only 30 USD for unlimited about of hours. He is versatile and has a 7 inch dick. I started to feel bad for wasting his time so I made my roommate drive away. There was like a 100 more questions I wanted to ask him but he was working and I didn't want him to lose any johns because of me and my nosey self.

The last story, of course, is the best. I teach a beginner English class for a construction company. One of the students is Saúl and he is by far the hottest thing that has ever crossed my eyes. I know I have really bad taste in men but I am certain the majority of the population would agree that Saúl is God's gift to anyone with working eyes. The best part is that his sexual orientation is such a mystery. He is a little on the fem side and respects women unlike any other male student I teach. He is 25 and a lawyer and has the perfect skin tone. He invites me to play soccer with him but I have to turn him down because I wouldn't know what to do with a soccer ball. I know, I know, playing soccer is a really straight thing to do but here in México, everyone plays soccer so that fact really means nothing. We also mildly flirt with each other every class. For example, I gave him a lollipop one time and for the entire class he was working that pop like it was my ...uhh... lets just say he seemed to be really enjoying it. He has a bff named Fernando who isn't as hot as him but pretty close. Fernando works at the same construction company but is in the advanced English class and therefore I really don't see him often. We just smile as we pass in the hall and say Hello. While my roommate was back in Guadalajara, he took me out to Monica's, which was the first gay club in the city. The club was HUGE. I have never been in a bigger club in all my life. It should seriously be its own city. Anyway, while I was there, I ran into FERNANDO. FERNANDO IS GAY. I was dancing with this really hot guy (who dumped me later that night for not remembering his name) when Fernando approached me. We talked for half a second and then he walked away and didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. So now, of course, I have a thousand questions. Is Fernando gay or is he straight and just supporting his gay friends? Monica's has a rep for drawing in the het crowd. Are Fernando and Saúl really best friends or are they secretly gay for each other? Is Fernando gonna confirm what I'm sure Saúl already knows and tell him about our little run in? Will Saúl ever be gay for me? Since then, I have been stalking Fernando in typical gay fashion. During my investigation I discovered he has a frog fetish. I know this because he has a Señor Frog sticker on his back windshield of his car and a 10 inch stuffed Kermit the Frog hanging from his rearview mirror. With this new information I am eager to buy as many frog related things as I can find and flaunt them around Fernando. Eventually he will notice my frog flair and approach me and be gay with me forever. At least, that's my plan.

For now, the questions will have to be left unanswered. Only time will reveal the answers. And much like the days of our lives, we can eat only one taco at a time....

"Friend i MIZZ the Mozt" Award for week of JUNE 11th

The award for "Friend i MIZZ the Mozt" goes to.......



bbiest youngerz!





reasons:

a) i never posted any pics of him during my goodbi party review even tho he was a major part of the events.

b) he recently had a commitment cermony and didn' t invite me. i'm hoping he sees this award and realize what a shitty friend he is.

c) he is on the verge of buying a ticket to visit me and this award might be the final push that will make him actually go through with it.